Posts Tagged ‘transgender’

What If?

Today I’m wondering what it would be like to stop trying to be male. Totally give it up. Go 24/7 for a while.

One question I’m asking myself is, what’s stopping me?

The biggest obstacle is probably my mother. She knows nothing about my feminine side. She’s 87 years old and is confined to a nursing home, but she’s still plenty sharp mentally. She would certainly notice if I came to visit her wearing earrings and nail polish. I’m her only local relative, and I have to take responsibility for things like paying her bills and making sure her oxygen tanks get delivered. There’s no way I could just disappear from her life. Disappearing would be unspeakably cruel.

I’ve never wanted to be emotionally close to my family. I don’t even care whether Mom would understand. It’s none of her damn business, and anything she said about my living my true gender, positive or negative, would make me crazy. Conversely, putting her through an emotional wringer that she wouldn’t understand, when she has so little to look forward to in life, would be just as cruel.

But am I going to be held hostage by a sick old woman until she dies? She probably has only a few more months, but she could easily last for a year. I’m already 62. It’s not like I have (more…)

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So then I took a five-month break. Not just a break from blogging, a break from any sort of trans activity. Not sure why I did that, but it may have had something to do with getting discouraged. I can think of several reasons to be discouraged, and none of them have gone away.

It’s discouraging to have nobody in my life that I can talk to about the issues surrounding my gender identity. I have this one gay friend that I technically can talk to, but it’s not useful. His ability to nurture is stuck somewhere back in the eighth grade (which is also when he formed his political opinions, but that’s a subject for another time).

It’s discouraging to be 62 years old. For anybody, I’m sure. It’s no picnic at all. And I’m healthy as a yearling colt, relatively speaking. Some people have a lot worse problems. Like being inconveniently dead, for example. Still, for people like me, there’s another factor to contend with beyond simply having weak eyesight and stiff joints: Who wants to dress up like a grandmother? How much fun is that? Even if I were (more…)

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